6 August 2004 (USA)
Allan Moyle
Flex Alexander ... Michael Jackson
Eugene Clark ... Bobby
Lynne Cormack ... Liz Taylor
Cedric De Souza ... Martin Bashir
Brennan Gademans ... Young Michael
Jason Griffith ... Jermaine Jackson
Barbara Mamabolo ... Janet Jackson
On tonight's Masterpiece Theater we have a made for VH1 movie: Man in the Mirror starring Michael Jackson! Well, sort of. What's great about this movie is everyone hates it. Fans of Michael Jackson won't like it because it further exploits him and his romps with children. Non-fans of Michael Jackson won't like it because it's a piece of shit!
It starts out with Michael complaining about how he never had a childhood. It then moves on to the credit sequence, then some black woman shows up, refers to herself as Diana, and gives this diatribe. Now there's some sort of a 5 second career retrospective. It then hops straight into the release of Thriller! It has some Jehovah's witnesses telling Michael that the Thriller video is evil so he asks to have a disclaimer played before it.
Before you know it, Michael is on the set of the Pepsi commercial and getting burned. This bio-pic moves fast. So Michael gets some surgery and then goes on tour with his bros. This is a great time to let you know that even though it's a Michael Jackson movie, there is NO Michael Jackson music! Michael and his bros dance around to some banal background music and move their lips to lyrics that aren't there! So Michael announces this night that he is no longer performing with the Jackson's and the shit really hits the fan.
No, there's one of many, many thought-montages where Michael has all these flashback type random thoughts, usually featuring little kids. He now reveals his grand plan of Neverland to his little sister, Janet I think she's called. Try not to throw up when they constantly refer to each other as "Peter" and "Tink."
So Peter, I mean Michael is now at the grand opening of Neverland and meets his dago housekeeper and her mentally retarded offspring. "Hi, your famous." He says with a retarded grin. Michael shows him around the place, and then we're thrown into another fakie concert for 5 seconds, and then we have a scene where Michael is told his vitiligo is getting worse. Then we have a helicopter landing, a shot of Michael as a child, and then�Liz Taylor shows up! The editor had a field day with this movie.
So anyway, Michael is watching a home video of him and Lisa Marie Presley. Yeah, you know where this is going. Now have a shot of Michael doing what he does best, playing with a bunch of kids. There's this kid that has all these tubes in him and he gets a motor scooter or something. Anyway, we're thrown into another scene with some random people at a funeral. Yeah, I'm assuming tube boy has passed on.
But now, uh oh, Michael is caught with the retarded boy by his dago mother and they are out of Neverland for good. Michael stares out the window at them in silent reproach as they leave.
Michael now makes the decision to get plastic surgery. And before you know it, he's going under the knife. Yes, there is actually a surgery scene, for whatever reason, and some awful non-Michael pop is playing in the background.
Now Michael's new friend Manny shows up. I know this because there is actually an optical that informs us of this. Even though he's a Caucasian, for some reason his mom is oriental. In the next scene his manager shows up and tells him that Dangerous isn't dong well. Wait a minute, when was Dangerous released? Shouldn't they have kept us informed about these things? You think they'd at least mention the worldwide simulcast of the Black and White video. Long story short, his manager is fired because "he doesn't believe anymore."
Out of nowhere, Michael has this white powder all over his face, I guess to simulate his recent skin bleaching. Anywho, there's another scene with Manny where he is smart enough to tell his father that he and Michael have had 30 sleep over together! If you guessed that we have another fakie concert scene then you guessed correctly. Only this time, Mike's wearing this gold fencing outfit. Still gives me the shivers. Another amazing thing about these concerts is there's never any musicians in the background...
Uh oh, Michael's getting sued over those sleepovers. We also have the pleasure of Liz Taylor showing up again. It's gonna be a long night. After their heart to heart the police raid Neverland. Pretty funny actually, they go thought eh place and ridicule him. They even raid Michael's vide collection because hey could be kiddie porn! The worst thing our of all of this is that Manny has been brought in for questioning! Now there's a private meeting between Michael and his peeps and Lord help us, Liz shows up again!
I have no idea why, but Michael's in rehab now. In England. Why? Who knows. I'm assuming he really went though. One great things about this movie though, is it contains the Latoya Jackson interview where she totally disses him. Now there's another Liz and Michael scene.
Michael drives back home to the ranch through a candlelight vigil consisting of about 12 people. Apparently he's going there to meet Lisa Marie Presley. They share a few awkward moments and then before you know it they're husband and wife. At least they spare us a remake of that dreadful music video they made together. Ughh. But there is a Michael and Lisa montage with some non-Michael pop in the background as usual.
Then we have the O.J. getting chased footage, and some pro O.J. propaganda from Michael's bodyguard. Lisa has a hard time getting along with Michael though, because he's insane and playing with kids. So they get a divorce. But before that Michael dances up a storm, faints, and has one of those flashback montages.
Michael's upset that he won't have a family now, but who should show up but Debbie Rowe! Yeah, you know what's coming...Michael gets some more surgery, there' another surgery scene with some horrible non-Michael pop, and a flashback montage.
By this point, Michael looks god awful, he has a bob and there's baking powder all over him. He married Debbie and Rowe and things are pretty much happily ever after. He gets a kid, and decides to have a reunion concert with his bro. Get ready because here comes the funny. There's another one of those fakie concerts, you know the ones with nothing but vocal-less background music that is somewhat like Michael's music, and he dances around and moves his mouth. Great stuff. But that's not the funny. This is the funny. Turns out this concert of epic proportions took place on...9/10/2001.
"It's the Armageddon!" Michael whimpers as he watches the planes hit the towers. There's also some crying from Michael. Anyway, before you know it Michael has another kid and there's more funny. He names the baby "Blanket'. "It's a blanket of love, everybody knows that!" Michael screeches. "Not everybody, Michael" says his brother of another colour.
He calls British journalist Mr. Bashir to do the documentary. So they film that. Then we get to see a reenactment of the famous baby-dangling scene. I think it's spliced with the real footage as well. Michael and all his friends and fam are gathered together to watch the Bashir documentary. Of course, it turned out to be a double cross and Michael is ridiculed. Sounds like a good time for a memory-flashback to me.
It flash-forwards to Michael being convicted once again, Diana shows up to tell him to follow his heart, and gives him this long diatribe...and there's another memory-flashback-montage, it shows Michael standing on top of the car, and now he gives a long-winded monologue. Cut. Print. That's a wrap.
