30 August 1972 (USA)
Wes Craven
Sandra Cassel ... Mari Collingwood
Lucy Grantham ... Phyllis Stone
David Hess ... Krug Stillo
Fred J. Lincoln ... Fred 'Weasel' Podowski
Jeramie Rain ... Sadie
Marc Sheffler ... Junior Stillo
Richard Towers ... Dr. John Collingwood
Cynthia Carr ... Estelle Collingwood
Hey everybody, Howard Tuttleman came up with an idea he calls, live the movie reviews where you basically are the main character. So Here goes. I found this movie at Blockbuster in the horror section so I decided to give it a try. Here goes:
Ok. The first character in this movie is an old man delivering the mail. Please tell me this isn't the main character. This is going to be the most boring review ever!! Okay old man is gone and is replaced with.... a hot chick in the shower!!! Alright. The girl and parent's are now talking. Who is the main character in this movie anyway!!!???
Shit. I think it's the hot girl who was in the shower. But that means...I have to be a girl in this review!!! But the yours truly is a dude! Well here goes. I, Mary Collinwood, am still arguing with my parents. It looks like I'm going to a concert tonight. Alright. Now I'm hanging out with another hot girl in the woods. Now I'm beginning to like being in this movie. We could be lesbians and in that case I'll get to make out with the other girl. Now there is a happy folk song playing, maybe this was misplaced in the horror section after all.
Okay the other chick and I are riding in the car, she's driving. What's this? Some mentally ill convicts have escaped and are in the area where the concert we're going to! This is scary, maybe we shouldn't go after all.
The convicts are now talking in their apartment, but I'm not there so I don't know this.
Alright back to me. We're getting ice cream. I just shouted out "nuts!" Now we're looking to score some dope. How about this creepy looking guy standing outside his apartment for no reason. He says he's got some good stuff. Let's go in and get it!
Well there are convicts and they are just chillin. Oh shit. They just slammed the door behind us. Meanwhile, my parents are decorating for my birthday party, but unless I can do astral projection, I have no way of knowing this!! Well, the convicts are tormenting us. One of them just pulled a knife out and is mooing at my friend. I hope this is just a movie after all. My friend is getting the brunt of the torment and now the guy is unbuttoned her shirt. One of the convicts is a girl and she likes my friend too. She's got her arms around her. Oh crap the guy just slugged my friend in the stomach and is raping her. This is horrible what am I gonna do?
Well, it looks like I've been knocked out. I'm coming too and crap, I'm in a trunk. Why would someone write me into this movie? Ok trunk opens. My friend bites the crap out of a convict's hand. Smart move. Make the psychos angry.
They're dragging us into the woods now. This movie doesn't have a happy ending does it? They want to torment us some more. Why I didn't do anything to them! They tell my friend to pee in her pants. What is wrong with these people. She hesitates so one of the creeps cuts me. She give in and pees her pants. Are they going to make me pee my pants? Nope. They just want the other girl to punch me. Thanks a lot guys. Well, she slugs me in the stomach and apologizes. Thanks friend. Now the little creep wants us to make it with each other. Finally things get good. I wanted this is happen from the beginning. I pretend not to like it though.
Now that the fun's over we try to escape. We take separate paths though. Well it looks like they caught up with me. I ask if my friend got away and they show me her arm which they chopped off. Looks like my friend didn't have a happy ending. But I'm the protagonist; nothing can happen to me, mwa ha ha! Or can it, the dude's carving his name into my chest. Ouch. Alright he's raping me now that my friend is dead. I may make it out of this alive, but I am going to be in therapy for the rest of my life. When it's over I toss my cookies and take a dip in a pond because I feel dirty. And what the hell, dude just shot me! And then he shoots me again. I'm dead. What the hell!!! The movies only halfway over, how can I be dead, I'm the fricking main character. No continues, no extra lives, it's over. Thanks a lot Last house on the left.
