26 February 1988 (USA)
Albert Pyun
Kathy Ireland...Wanda Saknussemm
William R. Moses...Guten 'Gus' Edway
Richard Haines...Prof. Arnold Saknussemm
Don Michael Paul...Robbie
Thom Mathews ... Charmin'
Janet Du Plessis ... Gen. Rykov / Shank / Custom Officer
Simon Poland ... Consul Triton Crassus / The Mailman
Linda Kerridge ... Auntie Pearl / Roeyis Freki
The fact that this movie stars Kathy Ireland is enough to buy this and add it too your little home-alter to Kathy. (I'm not the only one who's built one of these right?) In this film, Kathy plays Wanda Saknussum, squeaky voiced, beglassed, teenager and whiner who works part time slingin' hash. Her boyfriend dumps her because she's "no fun." No, no, he means she never wants to go anywhere with him. This guy travels the world once every weekend so it's apparent why this would annoy him that much.
She makes a last ditch effort to win him back by sqeaking, "What don't you like about me? Just tell me and I'll change!" You have to be an ignorant beach bum not to take her up on this offer...he is. Meanwhile back at the dive, Wanda gets word that her daddy's dead. Get this, the letter literally says he "fell down a bottomless pit!" Her mom's already dead so she's all alone in the world. She really doesn't seem that upset though! She just mopes around and whines a tiny bit more than usual. As MST3K puts it her reaction is "dull surprise."
Facing her fears Wanda sets out to Krapastan or wherever her dad was exploring. She goes to the ruins where he disappeared and she falls down the bottomless pit as well. She survives this fall with little internal bleeding and permanent bone and organ damage. Underground she stumbles upon a civilization...Atlantis. The production value drops a couple budget ratings as well. The costumes and make up look worse than your local community theater could dig up.
Here she meets her first partner in crime, Gus, who reluctantly brings her along in exchange for saving his life. Kathy's glasses break along the way, in the first step in hotting her up. Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, tons of bad makeup and clothes, Kathy looks hot, a gangster midget with foot-long eye lashes, Kathy looks even more hot, and a Prince Charming character called, appropriately enough, Charmin.
Oh yeah, they keep saying Kathy has "Big bones" for some reason. Maybe she was supposed to be taller than them or something, I don't know. There were a couple large portions of her anatomy, but they were certainly not bones.
Does Kathy make it back home? Does she find her father? Does she down a can of WD40 to get rid of that squeak? Watch and enjoy...Alien from LA.
